I am still going to move in with my mother, but Josh and I have both agreed to go to counceling. We plan that in about 3 months, if things have worked out, we will have paid off the bills we need to...and will move into a 3 bedroom apartment.

This break will help us out a lot. I also hope that it is the right thing to do. We both feel it is a good thing, and we wil go to counceling and see if this relationship is salvageable. I hope it is, because I love Josh a whole heck of a lot. I want to see this work out.

But we both have changes we must do to make this work. I will do my part, and I hope Josh does his. I hope we work out too, because I hope to always have a mommy and daddy for Vincent. :-)

I am hating the fact that I am having to pack everything and move. Sucks ass. But I believe everything will work out the way it was meant to in the next few months.

Wish me luck. Wish Josh luck. Dont hate him, even tho I might bash on him sometimes he is an awesome person and I love him a lot. We just both have MAJOR issues we need to work with.

Thank-you for all your well wishes. I need to find my damn car key and go to bed.

Josh and I are seperating. I wont go into the details, as I still love him and respect him enough to not explain it all.

But we are doing our best to remain friendly to eachother, and he will continue to see Vincent. I am going to be moving back in with my mom. So rah...I did all I could to get out and here I am moving back in. But I now know that saving half a paycheck is smart. And then stocking up on things will be good. RAH.

Dont ask me if im doing ok. That is NOT the question to ask me right now. I will update this as I can. Wish me luck.

*sigh* I love Josh. I know I do. But I think this is the best thing for us. *slams head against wall*

Well Vincent is just a crawling machine. I really believe he is teething too! Had a fever yesterday, but not really sick. I did my laundry at the laundromat today. Rah. New pic....nothing much happened besides that...rah...

Night!

time to update. DCFS lady, Sara, came out and has now closed the case. She said that Bianca has enough room in the bedroom and place for personal space. She also said that there is no signs of abuse here, so WOOT! I am so glad Bianca and her friend helped cleaned the house. It looks so good now!

Saturday Bianca and her boyfriend went to Homecoming. IT was so different seeing them dressed up. She looked so gorgeous(I included a pic) and I just was proud of her. She looked modest, hot and had a ball! :-)

Vincent is so freaking cute. Josh just took some pics of vincent when he is asleep. Vincent loves going to the edge of the crib and the tucking his head under the bumper thing. He is like me, likes having it really dark. I sleep with a pillow on top of my head every night. LOL. But every time we see him like that, we pull him back to the middle of the crib and cover him back up. But it makes for a cute picture. :-)

Any who...posting pics...going to bed...rah.

Well, its late and I have just finished cleaning. I scrubbed the bathroom, Bianca and her friend cleaned the kitchen...Josh is being a bum and slowly cleaning the living room. Bum..doesnt freaking clean all day and do anything that I asked him. Just plays games. Wonders why I get frustrated....GRRRRRR....

But he did straighten up a little.

Also went and bought some groceries. Got us lunches and stuff so we dont spend money for food at work. Expensive!!!

Any who...had to just straighten up because I have a DCFS worker coming over tomorrow to make sure our place is a safe place for Bianca, and to verify that I dont abuse my child. Yes...life has been freaking FUN these past few weeks. But it is getting better. The worker told me that she might not even have to check the place, which I got all excited. Then she told me she had to come today...and then she had another more urgent case come up. So some time tomorrow evening I am expecting a visit with DCFS. Josh will be at work, Bianca is going to homecoming, I will have just got off work, and picked up Vincent. God I dont wanna do laundry sunday. I might just do it at the laundromat because its fast and then I will be able to come home and SLEEP...since Bianca HAS to be home Sunday. Be the first day she will actually be here, all day...give me a break and let me NAP!

Any who...wish me luck. The DCFS worker(name is Sara) knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that I dont abuse Vincent. But because it was called in she has to look into it. But this is the same worker who is asigned to Bianca...and people in Youth Services and DCFS broke so many rules to contact me and tell me to get Bianca back. So here I am...Bianca living with us...and so I dont think there will be any problems.

I love Bianca...sweet...hormonal...twitterpated(in love) Bianca. Going to be 17 on October 8th...ugh...hard being her "Mother" and only being 4 years older....but I know it will all work out in the end.

Any who...should quit venting. My in-laws are acting pretty decent this week. When they arent nuts they are pretty cool. Josh and Bianca love their parents, and I dont blame them. They can be the sweetest people in the world. So...on a good note I shall close this entry. Night all!

Say a prayer for my friend...

My friend, Brittney...the one I was going to buy a pack of smokes for...she just is having one hell of a september. The beginning of the month something blows up in her engine and she cant afford to get it fixed. So she drives every day just waiting for her car to die. Then 1 of her brothers got a big head injury in a football accident...the other disconnected his shoulder. She just broke off her engagement to a horrible guy...

She then got screwed by the bank and so many things accumulated...so her 19th birthday was already down the crap hole when she recieved a call from her mom this morning telling her that her brother(the head injury one) is now in surgery because, apparently, some of his buddies in weight lifting decided to add 50lbs to the bench press bar instead of just 20. So when her brother lifted the bar up, it immediatly fell and caved his throat in and I believe busted his clavicle(sp?). So my dear people, I might bitch and moan about my life...but I do ask that you say a little prayer for Brittney and her family(especially her brother) because...dang!!!

On a little bit of a lighter note I did 9 hours of overtime today. I wish I could tell work where to kiss it tomorrow...but then that would have all been in vain. But being to work at 6 freaking 30 am is NOT my idea of a freaking saturday. and then on top of that, Sunday I have to do laundry so where the heck is my weekend!!! Where did it go!! AAAAAAHHHHH

Ok, im tired. I am gonna lay down for 30 minutes and then run my bubby Vincent to my mamas house and get a good nights sleep tonite. But as of right now I am not even coherent enough to drive. Bleh.

blonde

I am of course the most blonde person in the world. I forgot my badge at home...and I normally leave it in my car but didnt have the energy to take it off when I was home in the car...so of course I forgot it. So today, since it is my friend Brittneys 19th birthday and she smokes...went to the gas station to buy her a pack of her favorite cigarettes...and I dont have my license.

I forgot that I had to give my license to security to get a temp badge for the day. Go me...so I was able to talk the gas station guy to give me 1 cigarette from his pack....and I tied a pretty bow to it and am going to give it to my friend. LOL. I am such a dork. But its grand.

I have not had a smoke in a LONG time, actually quit at my 19th birthday....go figure. So here I am...on lunch...only one cigarette to give to my friend...but heck...it saved me 5 dollars. LOL.

That, my friends, is my airhead moment for the day.

ok...one more pic...then to bed. I figure since I talked about my "TRAMP STAMP" tattoo on my lower back...I must post its picture...so tell me...AINT IT PURTY!!!!

I of course forget to add the dang pictures...stupid blonde katie...so here...pics...enjoy

A comment left on my last post made me realize that I really do give too much information sometimes. Thank-you for pointing it out. So I sat here for over an hour and went thru editing my first sons name out(now he is just Peanut) and removing the adoptive dads name. I talk about Bonnie too much to edit her name out, so work with me here.

I also removed my doctors names and stuff, so if you guys notice something I missed, please point it out so I can fix it. I did update my personal profile, but it doesnt seem to be updating on the page...but when you click in it I have it all edited. Stupid stuff...it is so confusing.

Well, my sister has been kicked out of my parents house. I want to say it surprised me, but it didnt. I hope she gets her act together and can prove to my parents that she deserves to live at home, at least until she graduates highschool. She is 18, so its up to her to get her life in order now. I also hope her girlfriend who just so happens to be under my parents legal custody, works thru this ok. I know living with my parents can be tough(BELIEVE ME)...but honestly...their rules make sense..

Now...I hear all the parents saying "SEE! SHE SAYS IT MAKES SENSE! JUST LISTEN TO THE RULES AND LIFE WILL BE JUST PEACHY KEEN!" but no one seems to listen til they have to do it on their own.

I am grateful to have my mom and dwaine(stepdad). I wish I had been a better daughter to them. I was pregnant at 16, not doing well in school(tho i did graduate on time, and I can thank them for it because if I had not had their help I would not have graduated)...
Got home from the navy, didnt pay heed to their house rules, did drugs and everything...all to grow up and move out and realize what a stupid little snot I was...and how it was all actually really easy living at home...gee...go figure.

One rule was to save half a paycheck in a savings account, since I really didnt have bills and I could easily do it. Did I? No. And I wish I had, because then I would have been able to pay the bills I do have now. You know?

Another, to tell them who I am going out with, where I will be, what it entails and when I would be home. Is that too hard? Aparently so, to a 18 year old who doesnt care. Now that I have a child of my own I am so terrified they are going to be just like me...and how I was...and it scares the living snot out of me.

Another rule, and I think this is just general for any household...respect the house and its rules and you can live here. My rules were I either had to be working and saving half my paycheck or I was to be in school. Granted I was working, not saving half a paycheck, I lived there.

I think I moved out just in the knick of time because I am certain I was wearing my parents thin and would have been kicked out. So yeah...

I love my mom, tho she keeps referring to my tattoo on my lower back as a tramp stamp and I try not to take it personally...but come on...it gets really annoying and hurts sometimes. I dont regret getting my tattoo...but I wish I had got it in a place my mom wouldnt comment on it all the time. But other than that, my mom is great. She is my best friend. She and Dwaine have helped me out of tight binds before...I know she feels like she was a failure as a mother because of me and my rebelion...

But I want her to know that I am proud when I do some things that I see myself being her. I love the fact that people say my mom and I have very similar personalities and stuff. I love the fact that she taught me that it is ok to let a baby cry, she taught me that you can get great deals at savers/thrift town. I love the fact that, yes I still have money issues, she taught me things that make sense when it comes to financing...she helps me continue learning and tells me she is proud of me.

My mom was a single mom for 10ish years before meeting Dwaine. She deserves to be happy, and Dwaine is great. I am the lucky sibling to never see the full wrath of Dwaine...he is a good man :-). Wont hit a girl, taught his boys that. He has his opinions, his over said jokes that I love hearing each and every time, his popcorn and beer farts, his truth and wisdom he tells me...I love Dwaine. And I am so glad to know that there are dads out there that are good people. I mean, I know there are good dads out there, but the fact that he became my dad...took me and all my issues on...and didnt kill me...now that shows a great man. Yup, he rocks.

Any who...the pics I included are me trying to look glamorous(the lipstick...it looks a little off on me because I am NOT a makeup person), then kind of a fuzzy one of Vincent crawling(HE CRAWLS!!!!...not real good yet...BUT HE CRAWLS) and a few others. There is one with Bianca and her boyfriend. They are, I guess the term is , Juggalos and Juggalets. They like ICP(a seriously heavy rock type of band...who talk about killing and stuff). I dont know why they like their music...and bianca is just such a perky individual it just doesnt make sense...but meh...Highschool...whatever

I didnt post in here...but I had to get my cat pearl put to sleep. I dont want to go into the full on details here, or I will cry again. She was the sweetest cat, so abused in her last home...I had her for something like 8 years...it was just her time to go.

We got rid of kupo, the little shit, around the same time. That week sucked. But now we dont have to worry about buying cat food, kitty litter, worrying about the blinds breaking...and that will help us on the diaper and formula budget. But it feels so wierd without having a cat around. I am a cat person...but I want to move into a house and get a dog. I hope my credit score is high enough to move into a home in the next year or so and get a good morgage payment...if there is such a thing...LOL.

Any who...this is quite long. I am working on getting myself into the blog spirit again...and then I might try getting those pay for posting things going...that would rock!

*sigh* 60 dollars had to go to my mom today so she could buy a box of diapers(3 packs of 56 diapers for 20 bucks at sams club) and 2 cans of formula(2 generic formula cans, 3lbs of formula, 20 bucks each....GOTTA LOVE GENERIC!!!!!)

Well im tired...peace out!!!

Time to update...rah

Well, I dont want to go into the whole gritty details(Josh will be mad at me) but my little sister in law Bianca is now living with us. We have a 2 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment. This next year will suck with cramping of space, but Bianca is in a much better environment now. God bless those inlaws...they can be EXTREMLY nuts. And I know Bianca will be happy here and hopefully can get on the honor roll again(what what what...gotta have bragging rights).

So this weekend was dealt with in-laws, bianca, and other forces out there...and now life is good. I told the in-laws I was sorry things had worked out the way they had, and I dont want to be on bad grounds with them. I want to always let Josh and Bianca see their parents if they want to. So we are on good enough terms and Bianca is here...and so hey...my house might stay clean. DOUBLE WOOT!!!

Bonnie(adoptive mom of my first son) has just emailed me asking me if I would be willing to give my insight to this lady writing about adoption...she needs the birthmoms point of view as well. So rah.

My adoption was an awesome experience...but would I ever go thru it again? HELLS NO!!!!!

I knew I was going to place my child for adoption when I was about 4 months along. My mother, god bless that woman, didnt kick me out and took me to LDS Family Services to get counceling so I would know what the right choice for me is. They never push for adoption, and so it was all my choice. I also found out later that my mom really didnt want me to place Peanut for adoption, but she couldnt be happier for the outcome.

So I finally realized that I was meant to give birth to this beautiful baby boy, and that I was going to give him a good mommy and daddy. Now...to wait until I was far enough along to be able to choose a couple and not have them die from a panic attack waiting. It was a long 3 months. Then when I was about 7.5 months pregnant I was given a bunch of packets to look thru and to choose a family. I remember there was Jade and Mark, and when I read their profile I really liked them. In their late 20's, active people(outdoors stuff) and so I was pretty certain I wanted to choose them. And so I continued reading the packets and when I got to Bonnies profile I, having fallen away from the church, felt the spirit. The hair on my arms stood up. I had this overwhelming feeling of peace. And Peanut was just kicking away before, but had calmed down when I read their packet.

So I knew, in my heart, who I was going to choose. So I then hand the packets to my mother, not telling her who I chose, and the exact same thing happened(other than she doesnt have a baby kicking inside her). So we had more family members read it, keep it to themselves who was chosen. And we all had this overwhelming feeling that Bonnie and Mike were who God, Allah, The Great Being, whoever....wanted to be Peanut parents.

So I called my worker...having had the packets for like 3 hours. yes, it was VERY quick choosing them. But something just made me know it was right. Wanna know something...the ones I chose did NOT fit the criteria I had written down that I wanted the parents of my son to be. I wanted young, they had been married something like 16 years. I wanted people who were just about apposite as them. But Bonnie has a special cookie recipe, she is an awesome mother...and I just...I know it was the right thing.

So having chosen the couple I wanted to have as my sons parents, I then got the pictures. I chose not to have the pictures when I was choosing them because I didnt want to base it on looks, because even if you said "I dont care what they look like as long as they provide good love and support." come on...are you going to choose Gene Simmons or Brad Pitt...HELLO BRAD PITT!!!!!!!!!! LOL.

So having recieved the pictures, my mom and I were shocked. My worker was shocked. Bonnie looks a lot like me. People think we could be sisters(now that would be a wierd twist of events...). Its just amazing how seeing those parents are just a perfect mix of me, and of course Peanut turned out looking just like them. He is so awesome and perfect and god I love that child.

So I have chosen them, I was due December 1. I had put a "My first christmas" newborn outfit, some little shoes, a small blue teddy bear and a note saying "Christmas was coming a little earlier this year" and I sent it to the agency that the parents were working through.

I recieved my first letter almost immediatly. Bonnie I guess had just, the week before, cried to her boss saying that in the next 5 years she wants to be a mom and felt like it was never going to happen. Well guess what! LOL.

So I think it was 2 or 3 weeks, November 1st, that I finally met the couple. My mom, sister, stepdad and I were at LDS family services 15 minutes before we needed to get there. I was anxious, had not been able to pay attention at school(I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGHSCHOOL...WENT TO SCHOOL THE DAY BEFORE I HAD HIM...UGH!). I was done with school, done with the stairing and everything. So rah. Any who...I am waiting there...watching out the window to see the people who were going to be my sons parents...and I saw the adoptive dad drive up. He had tons of roses for me. But of freaking course he gets put in another room because things got messed up...and so for 20ish minutes we were both thinking no one came, and it was a sham. Then when they were finally brought in it was the best hug I have ever experienced.

I then sat down, talked with them for I think over an hour, had pictures taken, they tried to feel Peanut move(of course the stinker wouldnt move...) and then we had to part ways until after he was born.

That night he dropped(if you have kids, you know what I mean...if you dont...look it up). The next day that child was BETWEEN MY FREAKING LEGS and i was miserable. Katie, the great waddling duck. So I then started having contractions..and it was time for a dr. appointment. We went there, and I was dialated to a 2 and 75ish efaced. Rah. Something is happening. I was told by my doctor that I would have the baby before next week. Next week comes, I am ready to kill my doctor and he says "You probably havnt changed much then" and imagine his surprise when I was...I believe...4 and 80% effaced. GO ME...labor...FREAKING RAH. So then I think the appointment was a wednesday, my water broke on that friday night(I might be really screwing the dates up...just work with me here). So at about 11pm I went into the hospital and was still 4 and 80, but my water had indeed broke. So I tried the natural stuff...but god bless the epidural.

I was dialated about 6 when I got the epidural, having had petocine for about an hour or so. Life was good. One minute im telling my mom there is no way I was going to sleep...and then SNORING...yeah...I was gone. My mom says doctors even checked me while I was sleeping. I LOVE THE EPIDURAL! About 450ish in the morning the nurse comes to check on me, since Peanut(almost called him vincent...brain fart) was having heart beat issues. I was to a 10. So they called my doctor, and he was on his way. Around 5:30 they had me pull my legs up to do a pracice push and I about crowned the boy(WOOT!) so they told me to stop, my doctor got there...about 5:47ish or so we were almost there. I began the real pushing around 5:55am on November 15...and had Peanut at 6:01am. I love these child bearing hips and strong pushing muscles.

I already published the birth story quite a few rows down...not going to do it again...this is about the adoption now...

So I had Peanut all to myself, with visitors, for 2 days. I was discharged Sunday and we took me home and I did my hair and makeup, we went to Kiddie Kandids and got good pictures of Peanut....and of me and Peanut.

We then went back home, got Peanut ready...I started bawling and doubting my choice. I knew I was not ready to be a mom. But I couldnt believe that all this hard work and he wouldnt be there any more.
That...my friends...was the beginning of a bad bout of post partum depression...

We got him ready, we went to the agency. I signed all the papers to terminate my parental rights(and I went thru them as fast as possible because I knew I was doing the right thing, but dont give me ANY time to doubt). After that, I went in and spoke with the adoptive parents, and then my mom came in and pulled out the pictures(forgetting they hadnt seen him yet...and she thinks im a blonde...LOL). They started crying when they saw the pictures, and it was becoming more real that they were going to be parents.

I then went back to the office...everyone left me alone with just me and Peanut. I started crying and saying I wish it didnt have to be this way. I wish I had waited. I wish I was able to know right then that I would be fine with this later...I told him I loved him so much...and dammit im crying right now as I type this...but I said that I loved him so much and hoped he wouldnt hate me for what I was doing. I then walked out, with him in my arms, and the couple hadnt finished their conversation with my mom when they looked up at me holding a baby.

Bonnie immediatly ran to me, bawling(which of course made me bawl again) and she hugged me. Take note, she didnt even glance at Peanuts face before that. She hugged me. HUGGED ME! And that was the most perfect thing she could have done right then, because I knew that she loved me and was so grateful for me and today was all about me and I knew that these were the parents would would love and Raise Peanut and he would have all the world.

The dad is a firefighter, so he has to hide emotion...and I saw a tear. I then handed Peanut over to them...and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me but the feeling was also that I am doing the right thing. We didnt stay much longer after that. I was NOT wanting to leave, because I didnt want Peanut to be gone. But I could not stay, because I was so scared and sad and just...so much emotion.

I went home. I cried. I cried a lot. And then I went to group(lots of pregnant chicks and those who placed for adoption) and it had not even been a week and I told my story. I just about got thru the whole story without emotion, thinking I wanted people thinking I was strong. But I then broke down and just bawled. And they said that showed I was strong because I wasnt hiding anything. Blah blah blah...rah.

So thats only part of the adoption story. I see Peanut on his birthdays, he came to the hospital and saw Vincent. He came to the blessing for Vincent. IT was so sweet and bittersweet at the same time, Bonnie holding Vincent and me holding Peanut. God that child is so smart. So smart. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he has the best parents in the world. and I love him. He knows, because his adoptive parents are not afraid to tell him that they are his mommy and daddy, but I am their Angel Birth Mom. And god I am so thankful for it.

Any who...I am tired and need to go to bed.

Long time no update. Been a busy busy girl. I no longer work for at my old job. I have been at my new Job, a credit card company, for 2 weeks. I am so loving this new job. They treat their employees so freaking well! I am so loving this! So it has been great.

My 21st birthday party was a blast...until I was having the love affair with the porcelain goddess. I now know why people dont like hangovers(mine wasnt bad, but it was there) and come on...puking is NOT that fun. So I will drink on rare ocassions...but yes...I had fun! :-)

Vincent is slowing down on the weight gain and getting longer. I kinda missed his 4 month appointment so it has to be re-scheduled. RAH....

So there we have it with that. Josh has been surprisingly healthy, and he also started a new job as the in store technician at a media store. He is happy, I am happy, Vincent is alive and doing well...and I have put more pictures on here.

THANKS FOR READING THIS!!! I finally updated. I havnt updated because my laptop wont allow me to freaking post. Retarded laptop. Anywho...enjoy the new pics. I will so update more. :-)